Navigating the Waves of Grief When You Feel Lost

In the blog-o-sphere space, I disappeared for a while.  Last year, and so far this year, have been the hardest of my entire life… First, my dad’s health declined, and I took time off to care for him and assist my mom. While caring for him, my mom’s health declined.  Then, the day before my birthday, I was startled awake at 6 a.m. to a phone call from my mom. She informed me how dad’s dog suddenly passed away at his feet. 

During my tenure caring for both of my parents, I grew pretty close to my parents' dogs, Lucy and Patty (both named after Charlie Brown characters). The shock and disbelief had set in before I leapt into action. I dressed quickly and went over to help my parents with Patty's body.

That day, I spent the whole day crying my eyes out and processing my feelings of grief. For my birthday celebration the next day, I wanted to incorporate Patty's celebration of life with my birthday and as a family, we found ways to make the night special.

At this point, life had been hard for me and my self-care suffered.  I had to reframe what was important in my life priority-wise, and put more emphasis on how I show up more and more for my parents.  Then, my dad had a cold he couldn’t shake… and then, mom fell ill.  Mom passed away right before Thanksgiving while my dad made a complete recovery.  That event alone was a life altering experience as I lost both my mom and best friend in one.  And from the get-go of my mom’s passing, my family got to experience our first Thanksgiving holiday without her.  My world was rocked, and I felt lost in life.  I had forgotten how to be an adult. 

I struggled and continue to struggle with the grief.  I didn’t know what I needed at a given moment, and I was swept away in the strong emotions ranging from sadness to anger to depression to relief, and so on.  Lucky for me, I have family and friends who were there for me as I expressed the grief when it felt larger than life.  When the New Year hit, my grief companion, Lucy, my mom’s dog (really, I was Lucy’s person), without warning fell deathly ill and passed away.  Life has been excruciating at times and what feels like a rollercoaster I don’t want to be on and can't get off it.

On this grief journey, I’ve learned many things.  Here are some of my takeaways:

1.     The bigger the grief the bigger the love – I loved my mom with my entire being.

2.     There is no grief without love – redefining grief as ‘grief-love’.

3.     The way through grief is to express it as it bubbles up.  I have been channeling my grief-

love into art. 

4.     It’s okay not to be okay.  It’s okay to admit that I am having a hard grief-love day.

5.     There is no ‘moving on’.  There is only ‘moving forward’ with this grief-love.  One day, I will think of my mom and the dogs with a smile first before the tears come.

As the title describes, I still feel lost in my grief-love and that is acceptable for me.  I have sought help in many ways to help me (grief support groups) as I continue living my life. I am learning that it is okay to have a good day or being consumed by heavy grief.  This is the time to give myself space to grieve and the loving grace to be a mess. 

For difficult times in your life, I hope you give yourself the grace to do what you need to do.  If not, then surround yourself with those people who can give you that support and integrate that support into yourself. Be kind to yourself during hard times, you deserve it.

In Loving Memory of the best mom ever, Pamela G. Doctor 1944-2024